woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
