Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
be right there i have to get my cape
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
