We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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