You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
