She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
