nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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