The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
