giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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