Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
