so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
