____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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