Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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