I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize