My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
