who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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