Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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