I wanna bring you to show and tell
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
