The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
