Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
try to milk me bitch
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
