i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
