I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
