mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
