I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
