Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
So vagazzling was a success
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
