I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize