Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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