I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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