Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
