wanna go halves on a baby?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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