cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
