Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
