a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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