Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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