I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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