I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
