woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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