You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
