I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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