Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
