Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
