Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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