Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
As shirtless as possible
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
