I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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