no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
