i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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