theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
