This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
and you fell through a lawn chair
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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