i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
my nose is crying tears of wow.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
