I wish I only lived at night.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
