Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
