just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize