3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
the day after is always just damage control
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
