So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
