Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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