If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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