i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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