she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
