I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
i out mim tonsoeep
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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