I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
