I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I will pee on everything he values.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
