Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
